Ah, bath salts. The emergence of this new and ridiculously named drug has brought about a lot of discussion about the zombie apocalypse. I mean, c’mon… when one man eats another man’s face and then growls at police while being shot at point-blank range? It’s going to spark some controversy.
That is why, as a public service announcement, we are here to tell you the truth about bath salts.
1) Bath salts do not create zombies, George Romero does.
2) The zombie apocalypse is not happening. Yet. The Mayans said December, remember?
3) “Bath Salt” is a silly homonym for a psychotropic drug that messes your shit right up. People aren’t really snorting a jar of Eucalyptus Spearmint Stress Relief from Bath and Body Works… unless they’re REALLY stupid.
Don’t get me wrong, I like to joke about the zombie apocalypse too. I have no doubt that when it happens, the hammer will fall swiftly and we will find out very quickly who will survive and who won’t. For the record, I will be surviving. Why? Not because I view this as the start of the zombie uprising, but because I see it for what it really is: a dry run. Practice. A chance to fine tune the plan. If you were smart, you would be following suit. Just don’t take a baseball bat to the soccer mom down the street for walking in the front door with a tub of bath-time muscle relaxer. Yet. You’ll get your chance… just be patient (but NOT patient zero).
And now you know, kids. And knowing is half the battle.